read between the runs

ever since october of 2021, running has been difficult for me. from long lingering IT band issues, despondency about slow paces, and fear of overstraining myself, i have not truly found passion in running for far too long. it’s still a habit i enjoyed, and at times i have been so excited to be out on the ole legs, but nothing rivaled the sustained love i had back three years ago.

i felt like i was having a really great training cycle this time around. i kept my mileage low, keep my paces slow (enough), and exercised caution with even seemingly insignificant niggles. but yet again, as soon as the cycle was ending the IT band flared up; my joy robbed once more. the last marathon distance i finished was a 30miler in preparation for my first ultra, which i ran at under a blistering 7:30 pace. i was still nowhere near that average, but i felt i had finally turned the corner.

i was actually pretty anxious about running houston and DNFing because of anticipated pain, so i ran almost zero miles the preceding three weeks. and that was before the reports of predicted cold temperatures surfaced. i was a worried wreck trying to figure out what gear to don, especially considering i may quit the race miles from home without a ride. but i thought, researched, and decided what i assumed would keep me warm and cold enough, set it out, and lazed off to sleep.

on the morning of the race i was completely overwhelmed. not just by fear, but by a sense of community. as i jogged to the starting line (IT feeling strong), i was struck by the strength and determination of the thousands of runners who showed up. since i typically run solo, i don’t interact with runners much, especially since most people i know view running as a pagan faith. but there, at the start of that race, i only saw runners. and as we started, to see so many spectators show up to support their friends, families, or strangers was one of the most heartwarming gifts i could imagine receiving. tears filled my eyes as i felt cheers from the stands encouraging me in a way that i didn’t know that i had missed.

i remember feeling exceptionally grateful for the first five miles. grateful for support and health. around then, i also thought i may have a chance to pick up the pace. since i was feeling no pain yet, i had got it in my head that there was no pain to be had and slowly increased the pace, remaining mindful about not overdoing it. and that was another notable feeling about the day: i never once approached this as a race where i was competing. i was relaxed because i was simply hoping to run pure and run well. no expectations other than finishing (under 4 hours).

well, as luck had it, at mile 13 the IT started to feel warm. i won’t know if it’s because of my slight increase in pace or simple distance, but by 14 i felt i was in trouble. to go from zero to hero quick was not the gradual increase i had hoped for. before 14 i even sidetracked myself to stretch the IT. it was about there that i thought my race was going to be over.

but i started running again since i was too far from the house to drop out. and then we kept going farther from home. and farther. i needed a way to reduce the pain so i played with the gait a bit and developed a bit of a leg pull that brought the knee higher cyclically each step that changed the location of IT intensity. this wasn’t perfect, but i could alternate between typical stride and the altered one to relieve the IT when the other’s pain became too much. i was hoping that i could make it about a 1/2 mile to mile before i would have to pull over and stretch each time, but i made it about 1.5 before the first and was impressed. then i did another mile and stopped quick. and then i did 2.5 and was shocked. each stride with the left was painful, but never was it enough to knock me out.

so i kept going, and going. i did another two miles this way, but the right leg was getting tighter and tighter from being worked in ways that were unfamiliar. however, at this point, i was basically at memorial and i figured that there would be no reason to drop out with less than four miles left, so i just kept it moving. into the wind, around the corners, and through minuscule hills. the legs were really feeling it, but i owed it to myself to keep pushing to finish under four hours.

as i was approaching midway of buffalo bayou, i saw andrew and emily and that brought immediate joy to my countenance. it had been a difficult, isolated run, and to see some people that i love brought me back into a great headspace to finish. after we chatted for a bit, i bid them adieu, and went to finish the last mile and a half or so. the IT had gotten cooled down so starting back up was a challenge, but i was so close at that point that i knew i could soldier on. the muscles were holding up pretty well except for one minor twinge with half a mile left i had to pull over for, but i got back to it and finished very slowly.

as soon as i crossed the finish line i was bombarded by feelings of substantial pride in myself. realizing how long it had been since i completed a marathon, something that i would truly consider to be a defining aspect of my personality, i sat in astonishment of the journey that it took for me to get back to where i just finished. despite the immense pain i had felt the entire second half of the race, i somehow, somewhere found a gear to tap into that allowed me to persevere through the last 13 miles without walking a single step. that blew my mind. i’ve ran several marathons with pain and i walked in each of them, but here in houston, i didn’t need to. i immediately began crying because of the pride i had for myself in that moment. i hadn’t run more than 20 miles in over three years! far too long! sure i was slow, but i really just did it!

i called autumn to talk but i couldn’t even get words out because of the gushing self-gratification flowing out of me. to feel as terrible as i did, basically telling everyone that i would DNF, and then to finish through pain without walking was such an accomplishment. through all my races, i know i’ve never felt as proud of myself as this one, so this specific race will always be special to me. even when i break three hours and PR, i can’t say that i’ll ever have as much pride. the me from january 19th 2025 will have more, but not the continuous, living me.

i am leaving this race with a strong appreciation for my body and excitement to get back on the ground, so to speak. my path towards three will have lots of yoga (a recent discovery and obsession) cross training, and IT strength building exercises. i’ve committed to taking better care of my body in previous years, but i think that i have the motivation within me again now. motivation that is going to encourage me to healthily build my mileage and become a runner that i can be proud of outwardly and not just to myself.

i realized later that this was my slowest marathon and even though that stings a bit, i realize that that is okay. it’s literally fine. sure, it sucks to say, but i also know that i set the bar low and will always have a minimum goal to surpass. yes this race was slow. yes i am nowhere near the runner i was, and i’m even further from the runner i want to be, but damn it, i am overwhelmingly proud of the effort i put into this race. no time can take that away from me.

do great; be happy