read between the runs

balancing grad school and life is difficult. (duh)

i knew that starting grad school was going to be a time consuming process, and maybe it was a bit haughty of me to assume that i wouldn’t get so bogged down by it that i would lose access to the simple pleasures in life that i enjoy. needless to say, it’s been about what i had objectively imagined that it would be: late nights, (some) boring assignments, and pages upon pages of reading. of course it is, though, it’s literally a grad program! there’s always so much to do and i wish i had a better grasp on it all. just because everything gets completed doesn’t mean that it is in a timely manner or that i have enjoyed the learning.

i miss being able to play video games for eight hours and not feel guilty, or lose myself in a book to the point where i read all day and don’t care that i ignored everything else in my life. heck, i’ve even lost my ability to run on some days because there is so much to be done. binge watching shows? nope. going outside to simply enjoy the sun? absolutely not. i don’t even get to devote the time to my partner that i want to. it’s a constant battle of doing something for me professionally, or individually.

maybe the whole program wouldn’t feel so burdensome if teaching wasn’t such a time consuming occupation itself. knowing that i have grades to enter for my students and then work to complete for myself as a student loses its allure pretty quickly. the luster is gone and reality has set in. in the process of trying to improve professionally, there is also a bit of temporary decrease in the effort i can put forward to my classroom as planning gets swapped for assignments. again though, a temporary sacrifice for longer term improvement.

but i see the light at the end of the tunnel: may 2024. literally less than a year away! knowing that all these sacrifices i am making for professional growth will make me feel wonderfully elated when i can appreciate the newfound (refound?) time that i have to do what excites me. that said, there is so much knowledge that i likely would not have stumbled across if i were not in my program because of the wide net it casts in the courses required. i absolutely love much of the learning i am doing, and i have discovered so many classroom strategies and upgrades that will make me more effective than i have been, and that excites me too!

and i should not forget to cherish the privileges inherent that allow me to be a graduate student:

1. i have to do a job i love and want to improve in
2. i was accepted into the program
3. i have the financial freedom to pursue higher education
4. i have the time to dedicate to such a time consuming pursuit
5. my participation in the program doesn’t disrupt the overall flow of my life
6. i am supported by my partner and surrounding community
7. i had an education that allows me to access course content without difficulty
8. i have technology to engage with class materials in my own home

in the end, it’s all about the balance that i provide myself with it. even though my free time is decreased for the time being, i’m still getting lost in amazing books, have started running (some) more, and find time for some video games every now and then. i make time for date nights and important relational moments, like board game date nights, getting engaged, and all that goes into wedding planning!! those moments have more meaning now because i know what sacrifices i made to clear that time for myself.

i love learning, so i know that the end of this grad program will not be the end of my own learning life. but if i stop learning and i read this in the future: get your buns into gear and continue supporting your professional development you wench!! think of the children!

i’ll find more ways to learn and improve without being in school because it’s what i love to do. for now, i am going to continue to enjoy the growth that this program affords me because it won’t be forever. everything is transient, even education. it certainly won’t be every moment that i love, but i’ll find the ones that make the temporary sacrifice worthwhile.

i expect nothing less of myself.

do great; be happy